Saturday
Wake up in a hotel room but not quite sure where. Then it all starts to come back to me– we’re in Wigan, on a rare overnight stay ahead of the game. Wattsy is snoring, sound asleep in the next bed. It’s a key game today and I feel sick in the stomach. Probably shouldn’t have had that last Tequila-Slammer but hey, it’s not often we get the luxury of an overnight stay ahead of a game.
I try and raise Wattsy but he’s sound asleep, totally dead to the world. Then I notice that Wattsy has the longest, thickest nasal hairs I’ve ever seen. So I decide to grab one between my thumb and index finger and pull. I give it a massive jerk and Watts wakes up with a scream and jolts up in his bed, nutting me full in the face in the process. There’s blood everywhere, pouring out of my nose and onto Wattsy, the bed and the floor. Wattsy feels the lump forming on his head and says “what the hell did you do that for?” “seemed like a good idea” I mumbled trying to reassemble my nose in some sort of reasonable order.
Anyway, when the physio hears about it he goes nuts while Jonno– in temporary charge after our boss Romeo was suspended by the chairman after it came out he was having it away with the chairman’s secretary— reacts by dropping us both to the bench. So it wasn’t all bad
.Sunday
Sadly all the good press we might have expected to get by beating the league leaders 5-0 on their own patch is overshadowed by the nose hair incident. All the major reports lead with the ‘bust up’ that me and Wattsy are supposed to have had. I didn’t want to talk to the scribblers about it after the game, so they’ve put two and two together and come up with a £20m transfer to Real Madrid. Apparently according to the News Of The Screws I’m supposed to have laid one on Wattsy in a late night drunken brawl in our hotel after a night drinking Tequila Slammers. How they can make this up I don’t know.
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Monday
Meet Crocker in the corridor on his way back from the physio. He has a face like Gary Neville after a motorway pile up. “What’s up Crocks?” I say. “Looks like I’m fit to play” he said. Crocker’s only made six starts in two years due to some really bad luck injuries, such as the one he got being flattened by that 18 stone pitch invader dressed up as a giant chicken.
“Great” I said “Well it would be, only the boss wants me to play in the Blotto Lager Cup game on Wednesday against Hartlepool, but I got this date with a bird. I need to get out of playing….”. There’s a pause and then “Here, you don’t fancy pulling out my nasal hairs do you?”. He bursts out laughing and walks off
.Tuesday
This nose hair thing is out of hand. All the papers are saying I laid one on Wattsy and all the guys in the team, who really know what happened are extracting the waste liquid like nobody’s
business. I get on to my agent, Justin. “Don’t worry old boy” says the old Etonian fool. “This is the best thing that’s happened to you since you were arrested for impersonating a footballer”. “Policeman” I corrected “and that was all a misunderstanding”. “Ah yes. Sorry. Slip of the tongue. Anyhow this is great news. My mobile’s not stopped ringing. The world thinks you’re a bad boy right now and everyone wants a piece of you. How would you like a spot on ‘They Think It’s All Stupid’ with zany comedian Rick Littlecock?”. “What, on Gary Lineker’s team?”, “No, as the idiot they all have a good feel of while blind folded. It’ll do wonders for your profile”.
Wednesday
We are off to Hartlepool for the Blotto Lager Cup tie against Hartlepool. No overnight stay this time as the chairman is livid following the bad press. Justin almost exploded when I suggested I told the press the truth about the nose hairs. “You’ll make yourself a laughing stock old boy” he said. But I still want to come clean. Anyway, I suppose my mind was still on it when I sliced that clearance which I was trying to put in to row Z, into my own net. It was the only goal of the game. Things got worse when I flung my arms out in disgust and caught Crocker right in the face. Apparently he’ll be out of action for at least two weeks.
Thursday
The headlines in the papers are rotten. Told to take the day off by the chairman. Tried to watch the fourth season of ‘Friends’ but is’t not quite as much fun as taking a sickie. Still that Courtney Cox…
Friday
Called in to Jonno’s office. He’s telling me that I’m a disgrace and that and I’ve brought the club into disrepute. But I’m looking at him in the face and all I can see is these two massive black nasal hairs coming out of his left nostril……